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How to ________

November 1, 2013

How to________

How to. How to? I’m not sure I have the authority to tell anyone (beside my own children) how to do anything considering motherhood has made my brain turn into mush. But, here is something I am improving on:

HOW TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BY 8am WITH THREE YOUNG CHILDREN AND BE SEMI-DRESSED/CAFFIENATED.

1. (this step must take place the night before you are trying to get out of the house) Pray your children sleep through the night. Pray Hard.

2. When your kids wake you up at the crack of dawn, beg them to lay with you and snuggle. After the 10th kick in the face, give in, and get up. Trust me, there is no chance in hell that you will get them (and yourself) to fall back asleep.

3. Tell your kids to go get dressed. I realize this is an unrealistic expectation for a 2 year old, but allowing them to flounder around in their room gives you a few minutes to throw cold water on your face to shrink the bags under your eyes and brush your teeth.

4. Enter the kid’s room to assess the situation:

messy roomTake a deep breath and ignore the mess. You don’t have time for this right now. Instead deal with the fact that your child is wearing something totally weather inappropriate. Suggest an alternative and if it is shot down, plop the child outside for 20 seconds to see if they change their mind (Yes, we actually do this. It’s either that or dirty looks from the teacher for sending your child to school in shorts in 40 degree weather.)

5. Send your husband downstairs to start the coffee.

6. Dress your other kids and be thankful that they are too young to care and/or have an opinion about what they wear.

7. Brush your kid’s teeth then herd them downstairs to the husband (who has hopefully started to unload the dishwasher).

8. Make sure your children have their socks and shoes on and have eaten breakfast PRIOR to watching any sort of morning cartoon. If you don’t heed this advice they will screw you over by not being able to find their shoe and/or suddenly not be hungry. An argument will ensue and you will be late.

9. Depending on your husbands time of departure either a) take a shower, get dressed, do makeup/hair (ha! in my next life), or b) slap on some tinted moisturizer, jeans, and a hoodie, dry shampoo the hair then wake up your infant who can somehow sleep through the morning chaos, but likes to wake up in the dead silence of the 4 am hour.

10. Grab your coffee and nurse/feed your baby.

11. Simultaneously, tell your kid (for the 5th time) that the show will not go on until the banana is gone.

12. Let out the dog and feed. (did I ever mention I have a dog?)

13. Shove a biscotti in your mouth.

14. Feverishly look for a show n’ tell item and/or resort to googling “show n’ tell items that start with J”…. then feverishly look around your house for a jelly fish.

15. Reheat coffee if necessary. Probably is.

16. Make sure, again, that your children are dressed, brushed, fed, shoed, and prepared for show n’ tell (I’m totally screwed when its calculus homework…) then turn on the tv.

17. Use this moment of silence to chug the rest of your coffee, check your email, and stick your head in the fridge to take 3 bites of last night’s dinner.

18. Turn the tv off and fend off your childrens’ whining with some sort of threat about never being able to watch tv again if they whine about it for one more second. Ungrateful brats!

19. Plop the kids in the car. Referee World War III about who sits in which seat then buckle them…(but not too tight or not to loose.)

20. Get in the driver seat. Give yourself a once over in the rearview mirror to make sure your appearance is acceptable enough in the event that  “hot dad” is the greeter at your kid’s school that morning. Put car in reverse and drive.

…. and that’s all it takes! The easiest part of the day is done!

  • amy
    November 1, 2013 at 8:17 am

    i am tired thinking about it…. good news … you won’t remember it in 20 years!

  • Melinda@LookWhatMomFound...andDadtoo
    November 1, 2013 at 8:41 am

    i can never find time to check email while the kids are getting ready for school, that’s something that has to be done on “my” time LOL

  • Heather
    November 1, 2013 at 8:43 am

    So true! I have gotten to the point that my 2 year old will dress himself about half the time, but that is because I labeled his clothing in baskets by number (so, go take something out of 1 and something out of 2). One AM I woke up and the 4 yo had changed the 2 yo’s diaper. That was a surprise. But if I actually had it together I would have potty trained already since he shows interest….I just haven’t had enough coffee for that yet.

    • Sisters to Sons
      November 1, 2013 at 2:03 pm

      Genius idea about the numbered bins!! I might have to try that!

  • Brooke
    November 1, 2013 at 9:14 am

    How do you do it all & keep your house clean? Wow. Tell me yoir secret please! Been battling my hubby over getting an occasional cleaning lady. Do you find you need one w/three kids?

    • Sisters to Sons
      November 1, 2013 at 2:02 pm

      Brooke, ugh… I feel like I clean all day! We do not have cleaners, but have the same battle with my husband about it too! I’ve been having him vacuum at night to send the message that we don’t have time to do it ourselves….He hasn’t caved yet, but I’m hoping after some more chore requests when he is at is tiredest will make him understand. Good luck with your battle!

  • Katie
    November 1, 2013 at 9:37 am

    I’m impressed. Btw, where did you get the navy dresser in the photo? Or suggestions for places to buy kids furniture? I’m on a mission!

    • Sisters to Sons
      November 1, 2013 at 2:00 pm

      It’s from Pottery Barn Kids! We got some furniture at Baby Supermart in Broomall (they have nice Stanley furniture for kids).. not sure if you are local anymore? We also like Land of Nod and CB2.. Ill try to think of more!

      • Katie
        November 2, 2013 at 11:25 am

        Thanks! I’m in Wilmington now, so not far, and home often! Whats CB2? I’ll look into Baby Supermart. 🙂

  • Lindsay
    November 1, 2013 at 9:53 am

    This sounds totally right!

  • Carrie @ Chockababy
    November 1, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Wow! So easy! 😉 I have a hard enough time getting one kid in the car while dressed (me, not him) to run him to school by 7:30 some mornings. Most mornings my husband does it, because let’s be real… I can’t make myself presentable until at least 10.

  • Brandi
    November 1, 2013 at 10:01 am

    I only have one child and I have trouble getting number 9 done. This is HILARIOUS…and super eye opening! LOL!

    • Sisters to Sons
      November 1, 2013 at 1:55 pm

      Numnber 9 is a hard one! Sometimes I think, “Mascara or breakfast? What is more important right now??”

  • Gina Badalaty
    November 1, 2013 at 11:45 am

    I have trouble with #5, any advice? Come to think of it, I have trouble with anything that starts with, “Send husband downstairs to…”!

    • Sisters to Sons
      November 1, 2013 at 1:54 pm

      Lol, Gina! I hear ya… my husband works late and is rarely home for night time duty so I think he knows the coffee and the dishwasher is enough of a trade off. Plus really tired/stressed out looks from me help motivate him 🙂

  • Carolyn Thorne
    November 1, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    This is so well written, how you found the time I have no idea.
    I remember them with affection – now it seems to take me twice as long and I still end up rushing!

    • Sisters to Sons
      November 1, 2013 at 1:52 pm

      Thank you Carolyn! I think the key is to get up earlier, but then again sleep is so precious!

  • Lauryn
    November 1, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    This is so freakin’ funny! I loved it and can relate on so many different levels! Reheating the coffee…yep. Letting your two year old flounder in their room to buy you some time…yep! Love it!

    • Sisters to Sons
      November 1, 2013 at 1:51 pm

      Thanks Lauryn! What can I say, my kids give me a lot of material to work with. I wish I could say I made this stuff up, but it’s all just a reality!

  • Liselotte Rolander
    November 1, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Can sooo relate to a lot of your points, things are getting easier for me now – my 2 boys are 10 (well, almost) and 6.Enjoyed the read!

  • Barrie Evans
    November 1, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    Impressive. I have 3 sons and we were lucky. They did very well and fended for themselves. The bus used to come outside the house to pick them up so not even a walk! I don’t know how you ladies do it all.

  • Daina
    November 1, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Lindsey….sounds about right 🙂 I try to lay each of their clothes out the night before, if I have time…. that way the dressing part is easier…but all the rest sounds exactly like me :)))))

  • Barb @ A Life in Balance
    November 1, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    LOL – Story of my life. Every morning, I say to the kids, “Did we not just do this yesterday? How is this all new to you?”

  • Stephanie
    November 1, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    This is so funny! I have three young children too, and it takes forever to get out of the house!

  • Jamey (Favorite-Bro-In-Law)
    November 1, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    Lin-

    That dresser pic looks like Paul’s from before you had kids.

    Love,
    Jamey

  • Lorraine McNulty
    November 1, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    If you substitute the show and tell for an errant piece of sport’s equipment then that’s pretty much the same – BAD NEWS is mine are 16 & 18…

    Oh and way more untidy….

    Loved the post – reminded me I AM NOT ALONE!!!!

  • How to.......even if......... | Sisters to SonsSisters to Sons
    November 2, 2013 at 8:41 am

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  • Carrie
    November 2, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    So this is why I love hearing what other moms have to say… can you believe it DID NOT occur to me to have the kids eat BEFORE watching tv? We always switch it on and hope they eat while I jump in the shower. NEW PLAN ALERT: breakfast, then t.v. And hey, what’s one more showerless day for me? No hot dad greeters at my kids’ school, unfortunately. 😉

  • Sonia
    November 2, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    I had a good chuckle – love your style and could easily picture the chaos!
    My four kids are all grown up now – 2 of them are twins and so a little chaos reigned in my house. Hubby has always been a shift worker or worked away so I had to have a strong handed routine with the kids. They were all really good and have grown into awesome young adults – well, except the twins who at 18 and a half are still living at home and make more mess now than when they were two but I’m working on it!

  • Jen @Making Our Life Matter
    November 3, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Okay, should I tell you now or later that it doesn’t get any better at 14 and 12? Later….okay.

    This was a great post that had me LOLing. Glad I found you on G+.
    Have a great week!

    • Sisters to Sons
      November 3, 2013 at 9:14 pm

      Oh no! It must get a little easier, right? Okay don’t answer that! Thanks for reading!

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