How to. How to? I’m not sure I have the authority to tell anyone (beside my own children) how to do anything considering motherhood has made my brain turn into mush. But, here is something I am improving on:
HOW TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BY 8am WITH THREE YOUNG CHILDREN AND BE SEMI-DRESSED/CAFFIENATED.
1. (this step must take place the night before you are trying to get out of the house) Pray your children sleep through the night. Pray Hard.
2. When your kids wake you up at the crack of dawn, beg them to lay with you and snuggle. After the 10th kick in the face, give in, and get up. Trust me, there is no chance in hell that you will get them (and yourself) to fall back asleep.
3. Tell your kids to go get dressed. I realize this is an unrealistic expectation for a 2 year old, but allowing them to flounder around in their room gives you a few minutes to throw cold water on your face to shrink the bags under your eyes and brush your teeth.
4. Enter the kid’s room to assess the situation:
Take a deep breath and ignore the mess. You don’t have time for this right now. Instead deal with the fact that your child is wearing something totally weather inappropriate. Suggest an alternative and if it is shot down, plop the child outside for 20 seconds to see if they change their mind (Yes, we actually do this. It’s either that or dirty looks from the teacher for sending your child to school in shorts in 40 degree weather.)
5. Send your husband downstairs to start the coffee.
6. Dress your other kids and be thankful that they are too young to care and/or have an opinion about what they wear.
7. Brush your kid’s teeth then herd them downstairs to the husband (who has hopefully started to unload the dishwasher).
8. Make sure your children have their socks and shoes on and have eaten breakfast PRIOR to watching any sort of morning cartoon. If you don’t heed this advice they will screw you over by not being able to find their shoe and/or suddenly not be hungry. An argument will ensue and you will be late.
9. Depending on your husbands time of departure either a) take a shower, get dressed, do makeup/hair (ha! in my next life), or b) slap on some tinted moisturizer, jeans, and a hoodie, dry shampoo the hair then wake up your infant who can somehow sleep through the morning chaos, but likes to wake up in the dead silence of the 4 am hour.
10. Grab your coffee and nurse/feed your baby.
11. Simultaneously, tell your kid (for the 5th time) that the show will not go on until the banana is gone.
12. Let out the dog and feed. (did I ever mention I have a dog?)
13. Shove a biscotti in your mouth.
14. Feverishly look for a show n’ tell item and/or resort to googling “show n’ tell items that start with J”…. then feverishly look around your house for a jelly fish.
15. Reheat coffee if necessary. Probably is.
16. Make sure, again, that your children are dressed, brushed, fed, shoed, and prepared for show n’ tell (I’m totally screwed when its calculus homework…) then turn on the tv.
17. Use this moment of silence to chug the rest of your coffee, check your email, and stick your head in the fridge to take 3 bites of last night’s dinner.
18. Turn the tv off and fend off your childrens’ whining with some sort of threat about never being able to watch tv again if they whine about it for one more second. Ungrateful brats!
19. Plop the kids in the car. Referee World War III about who sits in which seat then buckle them…(but not too tight or not to loose.)
20. Get in the driver seat. Give yourself a once over in the rearview mirror to make sure your appearance is acceptable enough in the event that “hot dad” is the greeter at your kid’s school that morning. Put car in reverse and drive.
…. and that’s all it takes! The easiest part of the day is done!