1. Confirm the necessity for a new diaper by performing either a) the sniff test or b) the pull and peek.
2. Sigh loudly… better yet, do a big yoga-like cleansing breath to gear up for the shit show (literally) you are about to experience.
3. Lay your baby on the changing table while gazing into his eyes with a big smile and say things happily like, “Whooo has a dirty diaper? Whooo is going to lay here like a nice, big boy so mommy can change him?”
4. If the brainwashing doesn’t work and your baby immediately begins to arch his back in rebellion, keep calm. The diaper is still on. Prepare the materials and let your baby get this out of his system. Remove 8 wipes (always overestimate) from the package and unfold a new diaper while maintaining one hand on the baby at all times so he does not flip off the table.
5. Unsnap the 87 buttons that are keeping your baby’s pants in tact and remove them.
6. At this point your baby is probably arching, twisting, and fussing. Before you remove the diaper, keep one hand on the baby, straddle your legs as wide as possible, (again, think about those yoga moves), and reeeeeach for the toy you spot on the floor. Hand it to your baby as a distraction.
7. Retrieve the toy your baby just threw on the floor and hand it back to him.
8. Repeat number 7 as many times as your patience allows and then tell yourself, “Screw it!” and hand him the bottle of lotion that he really wants. You can deal with that mess later as long as he stays still for the “fun” part.
9. While your baby is distracted with the lotion, slowly peel the diaper off in an attempt to make him unaware of what is happening. If he starts to fuss, twist, or arch, calmly begin singing “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”.
10. Ignore the lotion that has been thrown on the floor. When the doo-doo is exposed, there is no turning back. With one hand, hold both of his feet and use that same elbow to “gently” press on his stomach to keep him from turning over as you wipe his tush.
11. Accept the fact you can’t contain this baby with one hand anymore as he is completely flipped over on his stomach. Take advantage of this detour and use a wipe to make sure everything is all clean from this angle as well before noticing that his foot is now in the dirty diaper that was out of his reach before he decided to flip over.
12. Flip the baby back over on his back. With a stern face tell him to sit still or else. Take a deep breath and wipe the sweat off your forehead with your clean hand (if you have one). Realize that you now need more wipes than expected to clean his foot. With your free hand, wildly flail the pack of wipes around until one releases and quickly finish the job.
13. Lift his tush to put on the new diaper. Realize that you placed it backwards. Curse yourself, and then flip it around. Fasten that sucker as fast as possible and place your baby on the ground. Breath deep. You are done. You did it!!
…..until you realize you still have 87 snaps to fasten. Whatever. The kid can go pants-less for all you care at this point.
And that’s it. Now you know how to change a 1 year old’s diaper in 13 easy steps!!