My toddler is into everything. No really. Everything. Did you see that video I posted on YouTube? I mean, I can’t babyproof my house enough for this kid. There is nothing that he can’t find, get to, and destroy. So just incase it slips my mind, I’ve written a list of 10 things I can’t do with a toddler, my toddler, specifically, but I think its safe to assume this applies to most toddlers as well and therefore I’m sharing it with you.

10 Things You Can’t Do with a Toddler:

10. Serve hors d’oeuvres.  I mean, technically you can serve hors d’oeuvres…..if you are into eating mutilated cheese, that is. As for the crackers? Each one will be slightly wet after your toddler takes one, licks it, and returns it to the plate. And the concept of using that cracker as a vehicle for dip is a foreign concept to them. Scooping it out with their fingers, licking the fingers, and then going back for more is a much more fun way to eat things like hummus. If you have friends over who don’t have kids, they will likely never return.

9. Have older siblings. While older siblings may be bigger, they come with littler toys. Toddlers eat little toys. It’s not a good situation. Legos might as well be candy coated. If you happen to have older siblings, well, basically they can’t have toys.

8. Empty the dishwasher. If I try really hard to think like a toddler, I’d have to assume that, clearly, we are not on the same page:

7. Have low lying drawers or cabinets and actually expect to store stuff in there. I really don’t think this needs an explanation. Which reminds me, don’t ever borrow a q-tip from my house. They have all been dumped on the bathroom floor, caressed by my toddler’s chubby, grubby hands, and likely dunked in the toilet.

6. Have objects, such as chairs or stools. Although you may deem these objects as necessary, they will become something that toddlers hoist their bodies on to to reach higher cabinets or drawers and then you will find yourself in a situation like so:

 ….yeah. And now you’ll have a reason to clean out those files after all.

5. Buy them toys. Toddlers don’t play with toys. No, they would much rather empty and destroy everything they find located in number 7. And don’t ever attempt to trick them out with a fake cell phone. They can smell a knock off a mile away and it will make them very, very angry.

4. Drink water. Click here to see why.

……and since you’re not drinking much water, hopefully you won’t have to do this next item on the list very often….

3. Pee. If I refer back to number 8 for a moment and think like a toddler, I’d have to assume that when I see a toilet, a toddler sees a water table or a pool. And YELLOW water??? SO COOL!!!

2. Believe in the 5 second rule. Toddlers are disgusting beings. Taking a french fry, dipping it in a rain puddle, and then eating it is a normal behavior for them. Taking a bite of pizza, leaving it on the ground for 10 minutes to go chase ball, finding the pizza 10 minutes later and having another bite…… normal. The 5 second, minute or hour rule need not apply.

But despite all this, it’s pretty impossible not to do this next thing:

1. Not kiss them. You simply cannot pick a toddler up with out kissing them. And why would you even want to try? Toddlers, aside from their highly irritating, disgusting habits, are the somehow the single most adorable species on earth. I’m convinced they were made this way to survive. I mean, one look at those chubby cheeks and how can you get mad at all this nonsense?

So what things can’t you do because you have a toddler?