Top 10 Worst Types of Cries

February 23, 2015

When you become a parent, listening to a lot of crying is something that is assumed. It’s part of the job; part of the journey. But like everything in life, not all cries are created equal. Some cries are just more palatable than others. But not these….

Here are the Top 10 Worst Types of Cries:


10. The Sitting in Traffic Cry – This is the kind of cry that can’t even be cured by  a lollipop a favorite song or a parent trying to get a laugh by acting like a complete a-hole with flailing arms and goober faces. The car next to you seems to think you are funny, but your baby, not so much. The road owns you and you are doomed to the sounds of shrieking baby mile…… after crawling mile……after crawling mile.

9. The I-Just-Fell-Asleep Cry – The sound of a cry after you just fell asleep is one of the worst cries out there. If it were tangible, it would be ugly… and hairy… and have worts or something.

8. The I’m-on-the-Phone-so-I-Should-Probably-Cry-Now Cry – There is nothing to feel bad about with this type of cry. Your kid is being a little stink and he knows it and you know it which has lead me to a life of simply not answering my phone.

7. The Birth Control Cry – This one umbrellas two types of cries – 1) The cry that is so piercingly loud, obnoxious and never-ending that you and your partner shake your heads, puff out a sigh of air and simultaneously mouth the words “No more“, or 2) This is the cry the inhibits the act of even attempting to make another baby, often times referred to as “the mood crusher”.

6. The Don’t Leave Me Here Cry – Do they really think you are going to leave them in the babysitting room at the gym forever? Yes, we could all use a long ass workout to clear our heads, but we can’t workout forever. Trust me. We’ll be back. SO STOP CRYING AND MAKING US FEEL BAD!!

5. The Oh Crap Cry – This is the type of cry that you hear from a distance. Maybe you were folding laundry or maybe you were looking at Instagram (no judgment), and your kid wandered off, did something stupid, and is now crying. The 10 seconds it takes you to find him feels like an hour. Likely he closed himself in a room and can’t get out. But more than likely he is crying because he knows he did something he shouldn’t have…..

4. The Tweener Cry – Any cry between the hours of 4:45-5:45am is NOT a good cry. Yes, chances are your baby will fall back to sleep, but not you. You are doomed to toss and turn in those awkwardly early morning hours. You can deal with a 1am cry. Even 2am. But for the love of overpriced puffy eye cream, don’t wake up in those god awful morning hours!

3. The Reason I’m Late Cry – Because I’m convinced that children under the age of 6 think that crying on your way out the door is as important as putting on their shoes or their jacket.

2. Really, Really Loud Cries – These are never any fun. Ever.

1. The OMG He’s Crying for a Legit Reason Cry – Maybe they are sick or hurt or someone was mean to them. Nothing trumps this cry. It is the worst. And as a parent, you will feel that cry 10 times worse, and, well, you will probably cry too.

So those are the worst types of cries. The other types are not so bad. Wait a minute, are there any other types?

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