Warning: I, in the normal sense, did not write this. My soul has been captured by Old Man Winter and has brought forth my inner demon. I barely swear in real life let alone my writing, but this winter… this bleeping winter has brought out the worst in all of us. I (or whatever version of me that wrote this) am just saying what everyone else is thinking. For fun, I’ll let you insert your own expletives. Here we go.
10 Signs You are OFFICIALLY Ready for Spring
10. You are starting to forget what some of your neighbors look like. Either they have migrated to Florida, or they are even bigger BLEEPS than you are. Yeah it’s freaking cold out. But you are pretty sure they haven’t emerged from their house since October.
9. On more than one occasion you have considered maliciously throwing “the towel” that now inhabits your entry way floor across the room. You know the one I am talking about. The one for wet boots that is encrusted in salt. Actually, pardon me, the one that your kids are supposed to put their wet boots on but never seem to notice so the towel remains in a messy pile surrounded by wet, muddy boots with rings of white salt slowly crystalizing on the floor around each one. That BLEEPING towel. I depise the sight of it.
8. You’ve come to realize that the whole gloves, mittens, boots, jackets, hats, sleds, shovels, snowman charade that your kids put you through has ONE and only one end game: hot BLEEPING chocolate. The thought of hot chocolate (and all that precedes it) now gives you a migraine.
7. You have resorted to allowing your kids to doing crazy BLEEP just so they can get energy out.
(No children were injured in the making of that clip. He got up and did it again. And again. And again……because even the kids are going mad.)
6. Just thinking about the hours between 4pm-7pm makes you nauseous. And anxious. Yeah that’s it. A bad combo of the two. If you have to spend even one more hour confined within the walls of your home trying to keep your kids entertained you might commit yourself. And don’t even get me started on my feelings of ill-will towards the person that invented crazy sand. “It’s mess-less!!!!”
You can go BLEEP yourself.
5. You have serious bouts of guilt when you think about all the tv and screen time your kids have had this winter. Well, BLEEP! What the BLEEP are you supposed to do all day when you are prisoners to -20 degree wind chills??
Which leads me to BLEEPING Pinterest and their happy go-lucky suggestions for surviving the winter with kids….
4. Thank you Pinterest, but I don’t want to build a BLEEPING snowman. I don’t want to build one outside and I sure as BLEEP don’t want to build one in my living room.
3. Why on earth did the kids shove all the brillo pads under your bed sheets? Wait a second. Oh no, sista. That’s no brillo pad. That’s your heel — (insert full body shudder). Which brings me to my next point. You are in such desperate need for a pedicure to soothe your dry, itchy skin that you have fantasies of diving your entire body into that hot bowl of paraffin wax. But let’s be honest, it’s going to take more than paraffin to erase the damage that this BLEEPING winter has done to you and your skin.
2. You are so over the BLEEPING germs. Even if you wanted to emerge from your house you can’t because someone is always BLEEPING sick. Stomach bug here. Fever there. Snotty noses everywhere. Here’s an idea, if you are sick, don’t leave your BLEEPING HOUSE, people! Or better yet, invest in some of THIS so you stop infecting everyone else! You wanna know what a month’s worth of cancellations looks like?
1. You are certifiably, unquestionably, no doubt…………….going BLEEPING insane.
…..and on that note. BLEEP it. I’m going to the store to buy me some maraschino cherries to top off the Pina Colada that I will then proceed to chug while online shopping for new bathing suits in my living room in an attempt to pretend it is warm out. Oh wait. Can’t do that either. Winter storm warning is now in BLEEPING effect.