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10 Signs You are OFFICIALLY Ready for Spring

March 3, 2015

Warning: I, in the normal sense, did not write this. My soul has been captured by Old Man Winter and has brought forth my inner demon. I barely swear in real life let alone my writing, but this winter… this bleeping winter has brought out the worst in all of us. I (or whatever version of me that wrote this) am just saying what everyone else is thinking. For fun, I’ll let you insert your own expletives. Here we go.

10 Signs You are OFFICIALLY Ready for Spring

ready for spring

10. You are starting to forget what some of your neighbors look like. Either they have migrated to Florida, or they are even bigger BLEEPS than you are. Yeah it’s freaking cold out. But you are pretty sure they haven’t emerged from their house since October.

9. On more than one occasion you have considered maliciously throwing “the towel” that now inhabits your entry way floor across the room. You know the one I am talking about. The one for wet boots that is encrusted in salt. Actually, pardon me, the one that your kids are supposed to put their wet boots on but never seem to notice so the towel remains in a messy pile surrounded by wet, muddy boots with rings of white salt slowly crystalizing on the floor around each one. That BLEEPING towel. I depise the sight of it.

8. You’ve come to realize that the whole gloves, mittens, boots, jackets, hats, sleds, shovels, snowman charade that your kids put you through has ONE and only one end game: hot BLEEPING chocolate. The thought of hot chocolate (and all that precedes it) now gives you a migraine.

7. You have resorted to allowing your kids to doing crazy BLEEP just so they can get energy out.

Exhibit A:

(No children were injured in the making of that clip. He got up and did it again. And again. And again……because even the kids are going mad.)

6. Just thinking about the hours between 4pm-7pm makes you nauseous. And anxious. Yeah that’s it. A bad combo of the two. If you have to spend even one more hour confined within the walls of your home trying to keep your kids entertained you might commit yourself. And don’t even get me started on my feelings of ill-will towards the person that invented crazy sand. “It’s mess-less!!!!”

Really?

ready for spring

You can go BLEEP yourself.

5. You have serious bouts of guilt when you think about all the tv and screen time your kids have had this winter. Well, BLEEP! What the BLEEP are you supposed to do all day when you are prisoners to -20 degree wind chills??

Which leads me to BLEEPING Pinterest and their happy go-lucky suggestions for surviving the winter with kids….

4. Thank you Pinterest, but I don’t want to build a BLEEPING snowman. I don’t want to build one outside and I sure as BLEEP don’t want to build one in my living room.

3. Why on earth did the kids shove all the brillo pads under your bed sheets? Wait a second. Oh no, sista. That’s no brillo pad. That’s your heel — (insert full body shudder). Which brings me to my next point. You are in such desperate need for a pedicure to soothe your dry, itchy skin that you have fantasies of diving your entire body into that hot bowl of paraffin wax. But let’s be honest, it’s going to take more than paraffin to erase the damage that this BLEEPING winter has done to you and your skin.

2. You are so over the BLEEPING germs. Even if you wanted to emerge from your house you can’t because someone is always BLEEPING sick. Stomach bug here. Fever there. Snotty noses everywhere. Here’s an idea, if you are sick, don’t leave your BLEEPING HOUSE, people! Or better yet, invest in some of THIS so you stop infecting everyone else! You wanna know what a month’s worth of cancellations looks like?

ready for spring
So much for ANYONE’s social life.

1. You are certifiably, unquestionably, no doubt…………….going BLEEPING insane.

The end.

…..and on that note. BLEEP it. I’m going to the store to buy me some maraschino cherries to top off the Pina Colada that I will then proceed to chug while online shopping for new bathing suits in my living room in an attempt to pretend it is warm out. Oh wait. Can’t do that either. Winter storm warning is now in BLEEPING effect.

  • Katie
    March 3, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    Great post, Lin! We are all ready for spring over here!!! Why can’t all the kids just be sick at the same time?! Instead of one at a time over several weeks!! Maybe that’s their way of being nice to me?? See you soon….hopefully!

  • Julia
    March 3, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    I love this, especially # 4 if one more person suggests I bring snow indoors I might bleeping lose my mind. And yes to that pina colada!

  • Lauren
    March 4, 2015 at 7:55 am

    Oh my word. I don’t even know where to start. This is brilliant. Hilarious. 120% true. Yesterday I thought I saw butterflies flitting over our 6 FOOT SNOWBANKS. I’m delusional.

  • Barb @ A Life in Balance
    March 4, 2015 at 8:38 am

    #2 All the way! I finally have the house to myself today.

  • Susanne/The Dusty Parachute
    March 4, 2015 at 9:04 am

    I guess I better not complain that it’s sprinkling a bit in Austin today. 🙂 My daughter would trade all her toys for just one snow day but I’m completely with you on this one.

  • The Imp
    March 4, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    Stay away from Pinterest. Trust me. (Check out my last entry on my blog if you don’t believe me, LOL!) That way lies madness…and nobody needs more of that when housebound.

  • Jack
    March 6, 2015 at 11:11 am

    I can’t imagine having to deal with all that winter crap. It would make me crazy.

  • Jocelyn
    March 10, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    Right on! And screw you Pinterest for your stupid, happy ideas which were obviously written by people who actually sleep all night, eat regular, hot meals and take showers for more than 90 seconds before crying breaks out from the other room. Oh and who actually get time to themselves in order to even think up all the creative crap!

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