Ahh. Breath in. Breath out.

Silence in the household.

Actually it’s sort of creepily silent.

All of the kids are at school. Hands wiped clean, double fist pump to the gods of freedom, I’ve gots 3 hours, well, technically 2 hours and 23 minutes (after you factor in drop off and pick up) to be my own women. To conquer the freakin’ world.

It goes something like this.

Ok kids are gone, hmmm, now what do I need to get done? Pace the kitchen. Straighten up a thing or two.

I’ll go to the grocery store. Yes. It will be nice to go alone. Meander the aisles. Read labels. Compare prices. Touch the dark chocolate.

Ugh, but it’s boring going to the store, and shouldn’t I do something for myself during this time? Plus if I go to the store it’s the same direction as the school but there will be an awkward amount of time left over in between and the food will melt and if I do come back home then I’ll just be spending most of my morning in the car. 

Ok. So grocery store is out.

I could do the…

No. Not even going to think about the laundry. I am not using my alone time to fold clothes. End of self-conversation. 

Ok so no store, no laundry. I could…..hmm, yes I think I will. I think I’ll eat a Twizzler, right here in my kitchen, at 9:42am. HA! Take that kids! Mommy’s eating a twizzler alone in the kitchen!

Ok not as cool as I thought. 

Crap, what am I doing here? I should be doing a barre class, not eating twizzlers.

Yes, a barre class. Totally a great idea. Let me just check the schedule.

Ugh, class starts at 10. I am still in my pjs and I’ll need to shave my armpits and I have no clue where my funky toe finger gripper socks are and ahhhhh! Frickin A! Why can’t I be more prepared for my life alone without out kids?!

Ok get a grip. It’s nearing 10 o’clock, barre is out, but mental note to be more prepared and self-groomed for public exercise for next time. Dammit where are those Twizzlers (insert angry, ripping bite).

Now let’s see.

Post office?

Boring.

Pedicure?

Too self indulgent. Plus, my toes are about to go into hibernation so what’s the point?

Organize something.

Don’t even know where to start.

Pee Alone?

Too cliche.

Make dinner?

Smart idea, but what is the witching hour without a challenge….

Go shopping?

Now we are talking, but I really don’t need anything and just as easy to order online. 

Ok so now it’s 10:22 and let’s see what have I accomplished in this short span of time I’ve been looking forward to all week? I swear it is ticking by double time. My clock can’t be right, can it!? Ok so I straightened the kitchen, I’ve eaten half a dozen twizzlers, and I bought something I probably don’t really need online. I take that back. Everyone needs a plaid, oversized scarf.

What the heck is wrong with me?! I was supposed to be getting shit D.O.N.E!! I have been granted (well, technically not granted because we are paying for preschool) this ALONE time and I am fumbling. A fumbling, bumbling fool who is wasting this sacred time alone as a grown woman who has the potential to do something civilized, walk with TWO hands free, crack open a carbonated beverage without having to pretend I sneezed and then still have to share it with half an army of greedy children, enter stores with things made of glass – stores with expensive and pretty and breakable things, and have full, deep uninterrupted conversations with people older than the age of 6 and oh my god… now I’m awkward. I can’t even talk to people anymore. I’ve lost the ability to properly converse and I’m now awkward. What the…

Heart starts to race.

I should just get in the car and drive. I mean that usually works, right? Whenever I drive with my kids I can think of a million things I need to do but can’t do because I don’t have the energy to get them all in and out of the carseats.

Ok so now we are driving. Fingers tapping the steering wheel nervously. Eyes darting from store front to store front. Gods of freedom you are failing me! Somebody send me a sign!

Starbucks?

Already had too much coffee.

Gap?

It’s only 30% off storewide today. My luck tomorrow will be 40% off.

Anthro?

NO. Don’t do it. Remember, you are holding out for new boots. 

Return library books?

Forgot them at home. 

Bakery?

Hmm. The bakery. I mean, why not?

Sharp right turn.

I’ll have a butter bean and kale soup (to balance out the twizzlers) and a french roll with butter. And yes, I’ll take it to go.

Because when you are coming up for air, there is nothing wrong with sitting in your car alone, listening to the music that you want to listen to, people watching (ok, ok being the first car in the carline pick up), and enjoying a hot cup of soup, while realizing that you need your kids more than you think you do.

Right?