Ahhhh. Parenting. Some thoughts on parenting. The trials and the triumphs. Sometimes you are killin’ it and other times you sit….

Stop biting your brother’s armpit!!

….and wonder how bad you’ve really messed your kids up. Like when you feel like all you do is scream and yell and remind and reinforce and still feel generally unlistened to.

Did you NOT JUST hear me? Keep your teeth off.

You can’t help but wonder where you went wrong. Should you have joined the Orange Rhino Revoultion of parents who don’t yell at their kids…

Do NOT jump from off the coffee table. 

Please.

…instead of laugh at their silly belief that a child would actually listen to a person who spoke in an octave lower than really freakin extremely loud? Maybe they are onto something – and, well sh*t, you’ve got a long way to go and a lot of deep breaths to inhale to get there.

Seriously? Did you just jump again?

It’s not funny. Do it again and/or laugh again and you’ll be in time out.

I mean, is it possible to be that calm and cool? And……whisper? Is it even possible? How would they even hear me above all of their screaming.

Ok you’re in time out. On the step. Move it. NOW! 

One, twooooooooooooooo, threeee.

Ugh, the 1-2-3 madness. Another “trick” that works like crap. But back to the yelling, that’s probably something they’ve learned from me. And just another behavior I need to un-do. It’s exhausting. And between all of the things we do as parents just to meet the basic needs of our children….

Get AWAY from your brother! He is in timeout and one cannot blow bubbles while one is in timeout!

….like feed them and clean them and read to them and socialize them and make sure their finger nails aren’t dirty and long and repulsive, we need to play with them on top of all that. Like give them good solid one-on-one time…

OMG what am I thinking? Why are we even blowing bubbles inside!! OUTside toy. ONLY! You have a choice! Outside with bubbles or inside with no bubbles. 

How’d you like that choice I just gave? Giving choices = a way to trick your kid into thinking they have power blah bitty blah blah theyaresmarterthanthat BUT where was I? Oh yes, it’s not easy to have one-on-one time when you have these other little beings called……..siblings. No. We need to be strategic. We need to find little pockets in our day, when one is sleeping, when one is at school, when one is at a playdate, when one is busy and happily drawing all over his….

You have got to be kidding me!!

You drew all over your brother’s soccer picture?!!! Ok YOU are out of time and out YOU are in.

Where was I? Oh yes, we need to find the time and make the time to connect. Because if not, then what happens? I’ll tell you what happens. One day we wake up and whine that it all went too fast, but really it was because we had the time but didn’t make the best of it.

Give me that GD marker! You are DONE. No more markers in this house again. EVER!!

Dammit! Another consequence I won’t be able to keep! No wonder they see right through me…

Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, eye brow plucking, Instagram, catching up on worldly (E!) news… just kiss it goodbye. There is not enough time in the day for you. Or at least that is how it feels sometimes. But then comes in the school of thought that kids need time to play independently and we need to step it on back. Reverse. Leave them alone. It’s a balance and I get that. It’s…

For the love of anti anxiety medicine why are you naked? YOU GUYS!! Where did you put your brother’s pants? 

…..it’s… just hard. Sometimes it’s just hard. And I’m sure by they time they are teenagers I’ll have this whole parenting of little kids thing figured out. But in the meantime I just bought this and this to read in my spare time when I am not…

A lollipop? SERIOUSLY? Where did you even get that? He what? He got it from under the couch. Gross. Fine. Eat it and suffer the natural consequence of having dog hair between your teeth. 

…trying to maintain our sanity. Because sometimes I just crave sanity. Ya know? Oh, and speaking of natural consequences, you did see how I snuck that little “best practice” parenting tidbit in there didn’t you? Anyway, apparently those are the good kinds of consequences and maybe you guys can help me out. What is the natural consequence for biting your brother in the armpit? Is it…. body odor? I don’t think 4 year olds have BO?

Ahh heck with it.

We are all just winging it.

Right?