Ahh. A potty trained kid. Seems like such a glorious thing, right? The image of me (cue the slow motion) riding a beautiful white stallion, backwards, lassoing that last blasted diaper above my head and then tossing it high into the sky. It sails upward, evaporating into the clouds whilst I whip my hair in a dramatic circle and scream to the heavens above that I am “Diaper freeeeeeeeee at laaaaaaast!”
Anyone else have these fantasies? Anyone? Ok well anyway, my point is, being diaper-free is big. It’s huge. It’s life-changing stuff. It’s go-out-and-buy-yourself-these-new-spring-booties-with-all-the-money-you’ll-be-saving-on-diapers kind of good. But….. there is a but. There is a time just after becoming diaper-free, when you’re gonna miss the diapers.
You don’t believe me?
Let me explain.
When you’re in line at the supermarket and you have a cart full of food and need to be at your other kid’s school in 5 minutes and your newly diaper-free kid has to pee….. well, you’re gonna miss the diapers.
When your kid falls asleep in the car and you go to pick him up and he’s soaked and you realize it does NOT smell like that water that was in the sippy cup he was holding because, hello, water does not have a scent, and you have to disassemble a carseat (a PhD worthy task) to wash the fabric….. you’re gonna miss the diapers.
When you’re at a restaurant and your kid has to “go”, but the toilet seat is too big so you have to completely remove his pants (which also means removing his shoes) so he can fully straddle the seat, only to quickly discover that this new position is a little…….wobbly….. because, obviously public places don’t have potty stools. So naturally he steadies himself by putting his hands riiiiight in the sweet spot for balance – you know the spot I’m talking about, that little gap in the middle of the toilet seat that exposes the toilet bowl which is guaranteed to be urine-stained and, at times……(gasp!) hairy! Yep, there it was. I think I just threw up in my mouth. He puts those hands of his RIGHT there and suddenly the vision of the stallion flashes back into your mind, but this time you are standing on the horse jumping with all your might to retrieve that diaper you threw into the air, because yes…. YES (!!!)…..you miss those diapers like freaking crazy right now.
But, wait, it gets even worse. He hops off the toilet SO proud that he went and he takes those little hands of his and clasps them on either side of your face….. (I’ll let that sink in a moment)…. and he plants a kiss on your lips and screams, “Yay!!!!! I such a big boy! I do pee pee on da potty! Yay!!” And now your worst nightmare is LIVING on your cheeks and you start cursing your husband for never having to experience this part of parenthood and you swear you are marching straight out of the stall and going STRAIGHT to Target to buy diapers. LOTS and LOTS of diapers…. that is until….
….you try to keep calm, there could be other potty-goers listening. You put his pants back on and you jam his little feet back into his shoes trying to block out the fact that your new jeans are now touching the floor of a public bathroom and now you are SWEATING. And, you have hairy pee germs on your face. And just as you are about to stand up, the automatic flush sets off and, yep, you guessed it, little droplets of water spray onto your face and you stumble backward in complete and utter disgust knocking your proud potty patron straight into the feminine receptacle bin. You let out a yelp. A scream. This cannot be happening. And all you can think about is hand sanitizer. Buckets and buckets…. no screw the buckets… POOLS of hand sanitizer that you and your child will dive into to rid your body of the grossness of the experience known as P.W.K.I.P.P (peeing with kid in public places) which is only to be out done by, well, him having to poop. I know….
And why do I tell you all of this? I am not trying to be a downer – or a downer with major germaphobe issues at best. It’s just that I don’t want any false expectations out there. I’d rather change a blowout on the roof of my car, than pee with a newly trained kid in a public bathroom because, yes, a potty trained kid is a beautiful, beautiful thing….. until….. it’s not.
Are we missing diapers yet? Please do share your horror stories below!